Frustrated Artists and Young Ones

Right now I am 31.  Kinda funny since I never could picture myself past 25.  Ever since I was given my first box of crayons I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I wanted to be an artist.  Some days I look back on that and I wonder why I couldn't want to be one of the Ninja Turtles instead-probably would have been easier.

When I was a pre teen my family had no concept of the kind of art I was interested in.  Comic books, cartoons, video games you know the stuff we see everyday.  I grew up in a place where this career simply did not exist-just did not exist.  I was sent to RISD's summer time workshop during 6th grade.  They had no idea what I wanted to do and why.  This reinforced my family's position.  My choice, my passions were met with fear and confusion.  If "one of the best art schools in the country" couldnt further my career path than something must be wrong.  (there was but that's not what this is about)

Without formal training I as a teenager practiced literally day and night for not days but weeks sometimes months on end.  I wanted this badly and I was going to have it.  I taught myself everything from the ground up.  Anatomy, perspective, foreshortening-everything.  I hated doing anything else but practicing.  I was a good student but often times I'd draw in my notebook wherever I could.  I was so sure that practice, hard work, and sacrifice would get me the dream.  I don't know what made me think that really.

My life was spent trying to justify my hopes and aspirations to my family.  When someone says "I wanna be a firefighter" no one really says that they shouldnt.  It costs NOTHING to encourage a youth.  It doesnt cost any money to say "Hey great throwing arm!" or "That's a nice car you drew."  It costs you nothing out of pocket and it costs you nothing otherwise.  Those who do not encourage the youth please remove yourself from them.  In order to progress as a society people need to be able to know and answer their calling without some asshole telling them they want something else.

So I began a campaign to find work in commercial art-I had no idea what it would pay and that wasnt a concern.  I knew I could make a living doing it since I had read about my heroes and how they had families.  Can't support a family without some money so this job gives a living wage at least.  Great.  The thing about me not being concerned with pay means that it was all about passion.  You have to have passion here if you want to succeed.  The passion has to be the kind you read about in those grocery store novels meant to make housewives excited.  The passion has to be raw, inexcusable, explosive, and lasting.   Any experienced professional you go to for a job is going to see it or not.  If you dont pour yourself into every stroke of the pen then you don't really want this.

It's been over a decade since I started this mad journey.  It has taken me from one end to the country to the other.  Taken me to meet my idols and those who were all talk,  Taken me from an alright financial position to one well below the poverty line.  The passion exists in me but like every relationship in life I have recently begun to reflect.  Everyday I give her everything I have.  I even take time away from my wife in order to make it happen.  I draw whatever is needed I do everything I can.  I have made sacrifices not just in the social life but in my personal life and wherever else I can.  I treat her (it) with the utmost importance and never say no when she (it) needs anything of me.  Extra hours at my desk, missing birthday parties, waking up on the floor by my desk-you name it and I have given it to her.

I have yet to receive anything back.  No recognition, no job prospects, no money (I have never made money with my art in all of my life), nothing but nothing.  It feels like an abusive relationship at this point in my life.  I have been with women who were nothing but takers and this feels that way.  I have thought about walking away from it but it stays a thought since the passion is still there.  I hate myself for loving something that clearly doesnt love me back.  It drains my energy, takes time from my wife, interrupts everything only to be told by it at the end of the day "See you tomorrow".  The smug smile on its face is because it knows I will be back.

This hurts.  It hurts me emotionally of course since my best efforts for over a decade dont seem to mean anything.  It hurts me financially as well.  I keep feeding this selfish leviathan because I believe one day it will give everything back ten fold.  My beliefs are shaky-I don't think that is true anymore.  At the same time I cannot leave it.  I am mentally unable to leave it behind.  In the art world I have yet to claim any even small victory.  All that has fueled me in these years is belief and passion.  I have come to the conclusion that I am one of two types: A. the type that struggles through the challenge and is willing to give everything and one day know that it was all worth it; with hard work and sacrifice everything is possible.  Or I am B. Too stupid to realize that I am not type A.  I like to think that I am type A but how can you really know?

At this stage I feel like an idiot.  Like the whole world is watching me abuse myself.  It would be easy if I were able to "turn it off" and walk away but that's the thing you can't turn off passion.  You can't turn off desire, hopes and aspirations-you can't or at least you SHOULDN'T be able to.  I will always love my wife and I will always love my cruel mistress who taunts me on a daily basis.  I can't explain why; I mean I don't quite understand myself.  Most people; most sane people after a good 12 or more years of rejection and failure would pack it in.  I would have too I think but I can't.  I have made gentle concession in my dream as life has progressed.  As a teen: I will be a household name in comics.  Early 20's: I'll take a job non comic related so long as I get to draw all day.  Late 20's: As long as the job is related to the things I like I think I could be happy.  Current Me: just please-I need a victory some kind of something.  What's the next step?  I will be a janitor somewhere and forget about all this?

We tell our kids in movies and tv to shoot for the stars and anything is possible.  I don't know if I believe that anymore.  Maybe it isn't meant for me and I have to admit that I got my whole life wrong but then who was right about my life?  Someone who isn't me?  Doesn't sound right.  I don't know.  I just don't know anymore.  What once seemed so certain and a sure thing now seems a million miles away.  I didn't come into this star struck or under any illusions-I worked my ass off.  Let me be a splinter of hope as well as a cautionary tale young ones.  It may not happen for you as it has not happened for me either but I am not dead yet.  This is not over until I win or I die.